First Trimester
My dear friend sleep,
How do I love thee, let me count the ways. We've always had such a mutually beneficial and respectful relationship through my youth and this, I am very grateful for. Those 12-18 hour sleep marathons in high school, college and med school are what dreams are made of...literally. I can't sing your praises loudly enough as I appreciate the renewal and sense of peace and fulfillment you bring me. Due to my increase in fatigue during this period of my life, I'd like to say thanks for hanging in there and reviving the good ole' marathon schedule. Who knew growing a person would require so much shut eye and energy.
Forever yours, Me
Second Trimester
Dearest sleep,
What an interesting time we've had of late! I can't imagine where you are coming up with all those wicked dreams, but they sure make the exorbitant amount of time I'm spending in bed pass much more quickly. Thank goodness the fatigue has passed and now I'm able just to enjoy my sleep and feel refreshed as this little monster nudges and flips and kicks away in there. Not to be picky or tell you how to do your job, but do you think we could work in some 'good' dreams or at least if they're going to be x-rated in content, I actually know the players? Thanks again.
Your friend, Ko
33 weeks
Dear sleep,
First, I'd like to thank you for the opportunity to get at least 2-3 hours of quality time with you before having to get up and visit the washroom...2-3 times each night. I know all this waking isn't YOUR fault, so much as that of that mean-spirited bladder of mine. I'm trying to work things out with him so that our relationship is no longer affected. Please have patience as I'm doing everything I can to assure our time together remains special and pleasing for us both. Thanks for at least making an effort to change the crazy dreams, as I'm sure you did at the request of your old friend, and I'm sure that with time I'll be able to 'deal' and 'get over it' as you suggested.
Yours, Ko
35 weeks,
Hi Sleep,
Just wanted to drop a line to apologize for my 'little' freak out when I saw you hanging out with my bladder. I just had never imagined that you were friends as I couldn't think of anything you'd have in common...other than preventing me from resting as I grow a human in my belly. Haha! Just kidding, as I'm sure that's not the case...right? I'm sure the 'deep connection' you two have is squarely outside the realm of torturing me, your longtime allie. I appreciate you trying to talk sense into him as his new trick is to now have me wake every 1-2 hours and then to be wide awake as I wonder where you've gone. I know that I said I heard you two snickering as I lay wide awake for 2 hours the other night, but you're right. I did not hear two 'distinct' snickers so that was rude of me to assume of you.
Thanks for being understanding, Ko
37 weeks
Sleep,
Um, yeah. I guess I'm a little out of sorts right now as I never imagined us having this conversation. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt when it came to you being 'just friends' with my bladder, but now that I've caught you red handed, I'm more than a little dismayed. Between you and your little buddy, I'm now waking every 30-90 mins, not falling back into bliss and getting a total of 4-5 hours of broken rejuvenation each 9-11 hour night, if that. Seeing you two pointing and laughing at me while I worry about the lack of sleep affecting my baby and my mental health, was not only hurtful, but unforgivable. Did you forget that I also have a 7 year old that has more energy than a hamster on Red Bull to deal with each day following these restless nights? Or do you just not care? Did I really hear that you two have moved in together? Does our history mean nothing to you? That Bladder will betray you, just like he did me, and he'll leave you high and dry in 3 weeks or so and I won't be there to pick up the pieces.
Kourtney
38 weeks
Ha,
I told you that I didn't need you. Between my new friends, swimming and caffeine, I barely have a second each day to even think of you. I wouldn't take you back if my life depended on it. Swimming has really stepped up to the plate to help my whole body relax, not just my mind like you used to, and really has been great to Will too. You know, Will, my 7 year old who you never gave the time of day? Yeah, him, jerk. Oh and you would LOVE caffeine. Cappucino, soda, chocolate, you name it. He's always around to perk me up, make me laugh, and in general make me feel like a million bucks. And if he starts to dissipate, guess what? There's always more! He's NEVER not available and is always thinking of what he can do for me. Oh, and tell Bladder hi. Hope all the caffeine I've been running through there isn't a problem and the withholding of liquids after 3pm probably doesn't bother him either. You two deserve eachother!
Koko
39 weeks
I don't know how you got caffeine to turn on me but the crashes are more frequent and worse than when he wasn't around. And thanks again for not even letting me rest mid-crash when my head is pounding, my eyes bloodshot and my hands shaking like I just stepped off the electric chair. Oh, and you're welcome for swimming, too. Like I was supposed to know that with no rest or caffeine, I wouldn't even have the energy to float, let alone swim. You are a selfish friend stealer and you can all go suck it. I'm done. Ass.
Birth
Ahhhhhh. Sweet, sweet sleep. Maybe if you had let me in on the plan that you were tiring me out on purpose so that when my little bundle of joy arrived, I would be able to sleep when he slept and be awake when he was, I'd have been a little more patient and accepting of your discretions. At this point, I still want nothing to do with you as the joy and high of motherhood continues to keep me going despite your near absence. I have noticed your effort to help me drop into a sound slumber at the drop of a hat and this will be noted as you try to worm your way back into my life. How does it feel to be on the other side of the fence, not needed or wanted and lacking in purpose? Keep at it and I'm sure my forgiving soul will let you back with time...and lots of RPattz dreams (the good kind).
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Ah, to be in the last month of pregnancy and experience all the further changes to your temple...well it used to be a temple. Now, your body is an unrecognizable salvage yard for all the fugly, mismatched body parts leftover after a frankenstein family reunion got ugly. At my checkup last week, I actually informed my doctor that between the brown spotty melasma taking over my face and the 'breastfeeding ready' nipples that have elongated to that point that they will pretty soon necessitate buying them a bra of their own, that it's turning in to National Geographic up in here. So people, don't be surprised if you see me on the cover of the mag and no, I didn't join some remote west African tribe.
If that picture wasn't good enough to help you skip your mid-morning snack, then let me enlighten you to the other fun happenings of this week. I've changed my name to Frodo as my hands and, especially feet, have swollen to hobbit-like proportions. You know it's a problem when you can neither grasp a pen to write out a grocery list or fit into your extra large flip flops (got forbid any shoe with a form) without leaving deep marks on your feet that threaten their long term circulation and thus, life. Whenever I think of Lord of the Rings, I always imagine the slimy, dirty bogs and places they travel around in which reminds me of slime...or shall we say mucous. I won't go into detail here, because it turns my stomach as it is, but a mucous plug that comes out whole is disgusting enough. Imagine if it decided to break up and come out in a few fun pieces every day...for a week or longer. You may find yourself constantly on 'plug patrol', doing more laundry and changing undergarments multiple times a day and don't even think your husband is getting anything other than the Heisman if he even LOOKS like he's thinking about getting within 3 feet of you. You may be prompted to flee the room yelling 'NO VACANCY!' to which he later asks if you've started taking any new meds or something. I'm just saying. We're 37.5 weeks and planning to get things started this weekend in the labor arena so stay posted!
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