Okay, even after going to school for 900 years, delivering a few hundred babies or so and counseling multiple mommies-to-be on what to expect during their pregnancy and labor, I can now safely say that until you've actually gone through it yourself, you have no clue what is really going on. Now that Ollie is here (in case you missed it, he showed up on 8/9/10 at 5:58 pm) and I've been on the other side of the whole ordeal, I'd like to pass on a few pearls that I will definitely be incorporating into my spiel (possibly not in this exact language) to wannabe and actual preggers if I ever go back to work again.
1. Braxton-hicks vs the real thing: Now, I've been shot down by many other women who've had babies when I've discussed my feelings on this topic, but, that's just too bad. Here goes. So I had the 'practice' contractions from about 24 weeks on, but not seriously until about 34 weeks. Right about the time I took a little holiday to Louisiana and StL in the middle of my last trimester ( I know, genius) I got a little dehydrated and overexerted myself and got to feel the tightening in the belly and the firmness that wouldn't let me push my finger into my belly to pursue my only form of exercise and favorite daily activity of annoying my baby by smooshing on him. I even would occasionally feel some pressure in the nether regions and all that jazz.
This was nothing compared to the real thing. For all you chicks out there on the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" and all those high schoolers delivering in a bathroom stall because they weren't sure if they were in labor or not, I'm calling bullshit. I had my first REAL contraction on August the 8th at 3:14 pm. It's like how everyone knows where they were when Kennedy was shot, it was so different and painful and took my breath away that, even now, I can picture exactly where I was standing at the BMX race, under the tent, in the 100 degree heat, unable to move or release my death grip on the chair I was leaning on. They continued on and got SIGNIFICANTLY worse throughout the evening until finally at 10:30pm, when labor officially started. At that point, I was like someone with an acute appendix because every 3 minutes for the three hours I stayed at home and tried to 'sleep it off' (not a move I recommend, fyi, but a doctor can't be running into the birthing unit unless she knows FOR SURE she's in labor or risk the entire nursing staff talking about what a dumbass she is in the event that she is not in labor any of the seven times she makes the journey), it felt like my entire abdomen and pelvis was being squeezed in a vice by someone trying to pull a bowling bowl through my vagina.
It was interesting, though, that in between said attempts on my life, I was perfectly fine. One second, I'm cleaning the bathroom floor, the next I can't breath/talk/stand/sit/move for a minute and then I'm right back at it with the clorox. I think that's why my hubby was somewhat reluctant when finally at 1:00am, I woke him up with the announcement that we should probably go to the hospital right-this-second-now. I was secretly sure that I was like 7cm, but there will be more on that later.
2. When you realize you're really having a baby, you kind of lose it. In my case, my hubby pulled up into the ER garage (when you go in to labor in the middle of the night, this is the only way into the hospital...who knew?), and I got out and started waddling through the ER like everything was fine and hoping no one noticed me as I snuck up to the family birthing unit. Unfortunately for me, this was not a typical Sunday night and there was no one in the ER except all the docs and nurses I get to work with all the time. Everything was fine for about 3 seconds until the first one saw me and asked the horribly intrusive and awful question, "would you like a wheelchair?" This was apparently enough to make me realize, yes, I was indeed here to have a baby...and he was coming out through my vagina...in a very short time. It was at this point that I turned into a blubbering fat puddle of goo and despite my protests that, "no, I'm not in pain, I'm fine, I just need to get upstairs"(which I'm sure didn't sound that coherent as I previously mentioned I was a blubbering fat puddle of goo), EVERYONE in the ER came over to 'help' (read stare at the poor blubbering fat puddle of goo with 'poor crazy her' eyes) so my entrance to the hospital was less than as incognito as I'd hoped.
3. Better living through medicine: I've had the talk with my patients literally thousands of times about pain medicine in labor. Do they want anything, what are the options, what would I do, yada, yada, yada. Well guess what? I just re-wrote that whole convo because there's not a chance in hell that I could have gone through with that whole labor charade without the magic of the epidural. So, I get into the triage room and it was like my uterus said "okay, it's go time" and the contractions instantly picked up the pace and the intensity to the point where I was autistic-like rocking on the bed trying to breathe through them...to no avail. The nurse checked me (remember I was sure I was 7cm and he was falling out at this point) only to inform me that I'd sat at home for hours through all this pain to change from the 2 cm I'd been in clinic to a whopping 3 whole centimeters dilated. STFU, is what I was thinking as I said, 'well, I guess we can go home if I'm not in labor (silently cursing myself at this point and simlutaneously wondering where I could find a drug dealer this time of night to take care of this pain if she did indeed agree with my horrible suggestion).' She assured me, I was indeed in labor from the frequency of my contractions and the little change I'd made and got the okay from my doc to give me a little taste of nubain while I was waiting to transfer to a delivery room and get my epidural. FYI, it's a little known fact that nubain has another name and is better known as 'sugar water.' That's right, after not taking a single pain pill or having a drink in the 9 months of pregnancy, I was sure that a narcotic would drop me to the floor. This was soooo not the case and the nubain or 'nothing' as I like to also call it, did just that for my pain. It did however curb the waves of nausea, a pleasant little side note, in an unexpected flash of serendipity. More on that later.
Anywho, I got to the delivery room and my best anesthesia buddy in the world tossed in that epidural as quick as he could have whipped up a salami and cheese sammy and I was off in dense, deluded happy drug land from then on out. That is, until I was 7 cm and because of all of the flipping back in forth in bed to keep my epidural even on both sides, the catheter came unscrewed. READ I went from complete numbness from the waist down to completely aware of every pain receptor from the waist down in about 8 minutes flat. In the 13 minutes it took us to realize what had happened, call the nurse who called the anesthesia angel, him to come hook me back up and give me a hit... I mean bolus of narcotic, I was fairly certain that I would die. I'm not joking. Apparently, those contractions I'd been having when I couldn't feel a thing had done a number on my body as they were VERY strong. Having been contracting every 1-3 minutes for 15 hours by this point was a pretty good workout, I suppose since when the epidural wore off, I was clutching the rail in a death grip, hyperventilating, tears streaming and sure I was screaming. My man tells me later that the only reason they knew I was in a lot of pain was because I was not talking through this period of time. Who knew I should have been playing poker all this time? Anywho, they hooked that bad boy back up and I was good to go within 20 minutes, like nothing had ever happened. Take home message: who cares if the epidural may or may not prolong labor (juries still out). As long as the epidural goes well (and doesn't fall out mid-showtime), I couldn't have cared how long labor was taking as long as I was comfortable. 15 hours or 20 hours doesn't make a huge difference at that point.
More to follow, but this mug is getting to be pretty long. Trust me 20 hours of labor brings about many more pearls, daniel-son.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sleep and National Geographic vs Lord of the Rings
First Trimester
My dear friend sleep,
How do I love thee, let me count the ways. We've always had such a mutually beneficial and respectful relationship through my youth and this, I am very grateful for. Those 12-18 hour sleep marathons in high school, college and med school are what dreams are made of...literally. I can't sing your praises loudly enough as I appreciate the renewal and sense of peace and fulfillment you bring me. Due to my increase in fatigue during this period of my life, I'd like to say thanks for hanging in there and reviving the good ole' marathon schedule. Who knew growing a person would require so much shut eye and energy.
Forever yours, Me
Second Trimester
Dearest sleep,
What an interesting time we've had of late! I can't imagine where you are coming up with all those wicked dreams, but they sure make the exorbitant amount of time I'm spending in bed pass much more quickly. Thank goodness the fatigue has passed and now I'm able just to enjoy my sleep and feel refreshed as this little monster nudges and flips and kicks away in there. Not to be picky or tell you how to do your job, but do you think we could work in some 'good' dreams or at least if they're going to be x-rated in content, I actually know the players? Thanks again.
Your friend, Ko
33 weeks
Dear sleep,
First, I'd like to thank you for the opportunity to get at least 2-3 hours of quality time with you before having to get up and visit the washroom...2-3 times each night. I know all this waking isn't YOUR fault, so much as that of that mean-spirited bladder of mine. I'm trying to work things out with him so that our relationship is no longer affected. Please have patience as I'm doing everything I can to assure our time together remains special and pleasing for us both. Thanks for at least making an effort to change the crazy dreams, as I'm sure you did at the request of your old friend, and I'm sure that with time I'll be able to 'deal' and 'get over it' as you suggested.
Yours, Ko
35 weeks,
Hi Sleep,
Just wanted to drop a line to apologize for my 'little' freak out when I saw you hanging out with my bladder. I just had never imagined that you were friends as I couldn't think of anything you'd have in common...other than preventing me from resting as I grow a human in my belly. Haha! Just kidding, as I'm sure that's not the case...right? I'm sure the 'deep connection' you two have is squarely outside the realm of torturing me, your longtime allie. I appreciate you trying to talk sense into him as his new trick is to now have me wake every 1-2 hours and then to be wide awake as I wonder where you've gone. I know that I said I heard you two snickering as I lay wide awake for 2 hours the other night, but you're right. I did not hear two 'distinct' snickers so that was rude of me to assume of you.
Thanks for being understanding, Ko
37 weeks
Sleep,
Um, yeah. I guess I'm a little out of sorts right now as I never imagined us having this conversation. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt when it came to you being 'just friends' with my bladder, but now that I've caught you red handed, I'm more than a little dismayed. Between you and your little buddy, I'm now waking every 30-90 mins, not falling back into bliss and getting a total of 4-5 hours of broken rejuvenation each 9-11 hour night, if that. Seeing you two pointing and laughing at me while I worry about the lack of sleep affecting my baby and my mental health, was not only hurtful, but unforgivable. Did you forget that I also have a 7 year old that has more energy than a hamster on Red Bull to deal with each day following these restless nights? Or do you just not care? Did I really hear that you two have moved in together? Does our history mean nothing to you? That Bladder will betray you, just like he did me, and he'll leave you high and dry in 3 weeks or so and I won't be there to pick up the pieces.
Kourtney
38 weeks
Ha,
I told you that I didn't need you. Between my new friends, swimming and caffeine, I barely have a second each day to even think of you. I wouldn't take you back if my life depended on it. Swimming has really stepped up to the plate to help my whole body relax, not just my mind like you used to, and really has been great to Will too. You know, Will, my 7 year old who you never gave the time of day? Yeah, him, jerk. Oh and you would LOVE caffeine. Cappucino, soda, chocolate, you name it. He's always around to perk me up, make me laugh, and in general make me feel like a million bucks. And if he starts to dissipate, guess what? There's always more! He's NEVER not available and is always thinking of what he can do for me. Oh, and tell Bladder hi. Hope all the caffeine I've been running through there isn't a problem and the withholding of liquids after 3pm probably doesn't bother him either. You two deserve eachother!
Koko
39 weeks
I don't know how you got caffeine to turn on me but the crashes are more frequent and worse than when he wasn't around. And thanks again for not even letting me rest mid-crash when my head is pounding, my eyes bloodshot and my hands shaking like I just stepped off the electric chair. Oh, and you're welcome for swimming, too. Like I was supposed to know that with no rest or caffeine, I wouldn't even have the energy to float, let alone swim. You are a selfish friend stealer and you can all go suck it. I'm done. Ass.
Birth
Ahhhhhh. Sweet, sweet sleep. Maybe if you had let me in on the plan that you were tiring me out on purpose so that when my little bundle of joy arrived, I would be able to sleep when he slept and be awake when he was, I'd have been a little more patient and accepting of your discretions. At this point, I still want nothing to do with you as the joy and high of motherhood continues to keep me going despite your near absence. I have noticed your effort to help me drop into a sound slumber at the drop of a hat and this will be noted as you try to worm your way back into my life. How does it feel to be on the other side of the fence, not needed or wanted and lacking in purpose? Keep at it and I'm sure my forgiving soul will let you back with time...and lots of RPattz dreams (the good kind).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, to be in the last month of pregnancy and experience all the further changes to your temple...well it used to be a temple. Now, your body is an unrecognizable salvage yard for all the fugly, mismatched body parts leftover after a frankenstein family reunion got ugly. At my checkup last week, I actually informed my doctor that between the brown spotty melasma taking over my face and the 'breastfeeding ready' nipples that have elongated to that point that they will pretty soon necessitate buying them a bra of their own, that it's turning in to National Geographic up in here. So people, don't be surprised if you see me on the cover of the mag and no, I didn't join some remote west African tribe.
If that picture wasn't good enough to help you skip your mid-morning snack, then let me enlighten you to the other fun happenings of this week. I've changed my name to Frodo as my hands and, especially feet, have swollen to hobbit-like proportions. You know it's a problem when you can neither grasp a pen to write out a grocery list or fit into your extra large flip flops (got forbid any shoe with a form) without leaving deep marks on your feet that threaten their long term circulation and thus, life. Whenever I think of Lord of the Rings, I always imagine the slimy, dirty bogs and places they travel around in which reminds me of slime...or shall we say mucous. I won't go into detail here, because it turns my stomach as it is, but a mucous plug that comes out whole is disgusting enough. Imagine if it decided to break up and come out in a few fun pieces every day...for a week or longer. You may find yourself constantly on 'plug patrol', doing more laundry and changing undergarments multiple times a day and don't even think your husband is getting anything other than the Heisman if he even LOOKS like he's thinking about getting within 3 feet of you. You may be prompted to flee the room yelling 'NO VACANCY!' to which he later asks if you've started taking any new meds or something. I'm just saying. We're 37.5 weeks and planning to get things started this weekend in the labor arena so stay posted!
My dear friend sleep,
How do I love thee, let me count the ways. We've always had such a mutually beneficial and respectful relationship through my youth and this, I am very grateful for. Those 12-18 hour sleep marathons in high school, college and med school are what dreams are made of...literally. I can't sing your praises loudly enough as I appreciate the renewal and sense of peace and fulfillment you bring me. Due to my increase in fatigue during this period of my life, I'd like to say thanks for hanging in there and reviving the good ole' marathon schedule. Who knew growing a person would require so much shut eye and energy.
Forever yours, Me
Second Trimester
Dearest sleep,
What an interesting time we've had of late! I can't imagine where you are coming up with all those wicked dreams, but they sure make the exorbitant amount of time I'm spending in bed pass much more quickly. Thank goodness the fatigue has passed and now I'm able just to enjoy my sleep and feel refreshed as this little monster nudges and flips and kicks away in there. Not to be picky or tell you how to do your job, but do you think we could work in some 'good' dreams or at least if they're going to be x-rated in content, I actually know the players? Thanks again.
Your friend, Ko
33 weeks
Dear sleep,
First, I'd like to thank you for the opportunity to get at least 2-3 hours of quality time with you before having to get up and visit the washroom...2-3 times each night. I know all this waking isn't YOUR fault, so much as that of that mean-spirited bladder of mine. I'm trying to work things out with him so that our relationship is no longer affected. Please have patience as I'm doing everything I can to assure our time together remains special and pleasing for us both. Thanks for at least making an effort to change the crazy dreams, as I'm sure you did at the request of your old friend, and I'm sure that with time I'll be able to 'deal' and 'get over it' as you suggested.
Yours, Ko
35 weeks,
Hi Sleep,
Just wanted to drop a line to apologize for my 'little' freak out when I saw you hanging out with my bladder. I just had never imagined that you were friends as I couldn't think of anything you'd have in common...other than preventing me from resting as I grow a human in my belly. Haha! Just kidding, as I'm sure that's not the case...right? I'm sure the 'deep connection' you two have is squarely outside the realm of torturing me, your longtime allie. I appreciate you trying to talk sense into him as his new trick is to now have me wake every 1-2 hours and then to be wide awake as I wonder where you've gone. I know that I said I heard you two snickering as I lay wide awake for 2 hours the other night, but you're right. I did not hear two 'distinct' snickers so that was rude of me to assume of you.
Thanks for being understanding, Ko
37 weeks
Sleep,
Um, yeah. I guess I'm a little out of sorts right now as I never imagined us having this conversation. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt when it came to you being 'just friends' with my bladder, but now that I've caught you red handed, I'm more than a little dismayed. Between you and your little buddy, I'm now waking every 30-90 mins, not falling back into bliss and getting a total of 4-5 hours of broken rejuvenation each 9-11 hour night, if that. Seeing you two pointing and laughing at me while I worry about the lack of sleep affecting my baby and my mental health, was not only hurtful, but unforgivable. Did you forget that I also have a 7 year old that has more energy than a hamster on Red Bull to deal with each day following these restless nights? Or do you just not care? Did I really hear that you two have moved in together? Does our history mean nothing to you? That Bladder will betray you, just like he did me, and he'll leave you high and dry in 3 weeks or so and I won't be there to pick up the pieces.
Kourtney
38 weeks
Ha,
I told you that I didn't need you. Between my new friends, swimming and caffeine, I barely have a second each day to even think of you. I wouldn't take you back if my life depended on it. Swimming has really stepped up to the plate to help my whole body relax, not just my mind like you used to, and really has been great to Will too. You know, Will, my 7 year old who you never gave the time of day? Yeah, him, jerk. Oh and you would LOVE caffeine. Cappucino, soda, chocolate, you name it. He's always around to perk me up, make me laugh, and in general make me feel like a million bucks. And if he starts to dissipate, guess what? There's always more! He's NEVER not available and is always thinking of what he can do for me. Oh, and tell Bladder hi. Hope all the caffeine I've been running through there isn't a problem and the withholding of liquids after 3pm probably doesn't bother him either. You two deserve eachother!
Koko
39 weeks
I don't know how you got caffeine to turn on me but the crashes are more frequent and worse than when he wasn't around. And thanks again for not even letting me rest mid-crash when my head is pounding, my eyes bloodshot and my hands shaking like I just stepped off the electric chair. Oh, and you're welcome for swimming, too. Like I was supposed to know that with no rest or caffeine, I wouldn't even have the energy to float, let alone swim. You are a selfish friend stealer and you can all go suck it. I'm done. Ass.
Birth
Ahhhhhh. Sweet, sweet sleep. Maybe if you had let me in on the plan that you were tiring me out on purpose so that when my little bundle of joy arrived, I would be able to sleep when he slept and be awake when he was, I'd have been a little more patient and accepting of your discretions. At this point, I still want nothing to do with you as the joy and high of motherhood continues to keep me going despite your near absence. I have noticed your effort to help me drop into a sound slumber at the drop of a hat and this will be noted as you try to worm your way back into my life. How does it feel to be on the other side of the fence, not needed or wanted and lacking in purpose? Keep at it and I'm sure my forgiving soul will let you back with time...and lots of RPattz dreams (the good kind).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, to be in the last month of pregnancy and experience all the further changes to your temple...well it used to be a temple. Now, your body is an unrecognizable salvage yard for all the fugly, mismatched body parts leftover after a frankenstein family reunion got ugly. At my checkup last week, I actually informed my doctor that between the brown spotty melasma taking over my face and the 'breastfeeding ready' nipples that have elongated to that point that they will pretty soon necessitate buying them a bra of their own, that it's turning in to National Geographic up in here. So people, don't be surprised if you see me on the cover of the mag and no, I didn't join some remote west African tribe.
If that picture wasn't good enough to help you skip your mid-morning snack, then let me enlighten you to the other fun happenings of this week. I've changed my name to Frodo as my hands and, especially feet, have swollen to hobbit-like proportions. You know it's a problem when you can neither grasp a pen to write out a grocery list or fit into your extra large flip flops (got forbid any shoe with a form) without leaving deep marks on your feet that threaten their long term circulation and thus, life. Whenever I think of Lord of the Rings, I always imagine the slimy, dirty bogs and places they travel around in which reminds me of slime...or shall we say mucous. I won't go into detail here, because it turns my stomach as it is, but a mucous plug that comes out whole is disgusting enough. Imagine if it decided to break up and come out in a few fun pieces every day...for a week or longer. You may find yourself constantly on 'plug patrol', doing more laundry and changing undergarments multiple times a day and don't even think your husband is getting anything other than the Heisman if he even LOOKS like he's thinking about getting within 3 feet of you. You may be prompted to flee the room yelling 'NO VACANCY!' to which he later asks if you've started taking any new meds or something. I'm just saying. We're 37.5 weeks and planning to get things started this weekend in the labor arena so stay posted!
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