When you're getting bigger seemingly by the hour due to your ever growing little monster, why is it that everyone around you decides this is the perfect time to become as svelte and physically fit as possible? You're still happy for them as they get healthier by the day and you love that this 'baby weight' your putting on is helping you grow a ginormous and healthy little rugrat that will have the best start in life. But...it still sucks that you are fat now. Here is a short list of the people in my life, whom I love dearly big or small and am uber-pumped for their newfound healthy body image...but that I plan on not speaking to again until I fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes so that I don't blurt anything regretfully stupid related to the annoying discrepancy in the direction that our scale numbers are headed. If you have people in your pregnant life who fit into these categories, I strongly suggest a hiatus to preserve your sanity...and your friendship.
1. The svelte blonde who can sympathize with your heartwrenching 'I'm so hungry, but gaining weight sucks' story, only to follow it up with a description how she couldn't fit into anything when she gained 40 lbs...with her twins. You're up 25 lbs at 27 weeks with one baby? Nothing to feel bad about there!
2. The cute little brunette sister who popped out twins and two weeks later you're shopping to find 'something she could possibly fit into,' only to realize that she's trying on jeans that are a size double 00 (her pre-pregnancy size). Why they even make a size double 00 is beyond my comprehension.
3. The forementioned sister with the twins who after her second pregnancy (only one this time...bummer) totally quits working out for like three years and doesn't start up again til she's 'just sick of wearing a 6-8, I mean we're the same size Kourtney,' she says with disgust. Well we couldn't have that, could we? Being my size would probably be the cause of your divorce for heavens sake!
4. The friend who lost like 80 lbs before and after lap band surgery who had fallen off the wagon, but your weight gain and general hobo-type appearance have urged her on and convinced her to beat this plateau and drop another 30lbs or so. I'm happy you're healthy, I'm happy you're healthy, I'm happy you're healthy.
5. The friend who decides to join weight watchers with her man and begins to instantly melt away to half her size AND gets to keep her absolutely humongous boobs. Not only are you bigger now, but you still have smaller boobs...that leak milk.
6. The pal who decided to lose some weight so she hired a trainer at Golds to work with a couple times a week and get a 'head start'...and has lost like 25 lbs. Not the 25 lbs like you don't really notice a difference, but the 25lbs where she looks like a different person. A hot, skinny different person. Unlike you who looks like a fuzzy, melasma covered, fat different person.
7. The husband who continues his satanic ritual otherwise known as waking up BEFORE 6 AM to workout everyday and is smokin' hot and gets your pregnant hormones all pumping despite the near impossible chance of satisfactory loving because you're so caught up in what you look like. Yeah that husband who says, 'I just feel so gross' in reference to his physique. Yep, gross dear. That's exactly what I was thinking...about me, not you hottie.
Do I love these people to death, feel grateful to have them in my life, and continue to be happy for them in their pursuit of a longer, healthier life and applaud their valiant, superhuman effort? Yes. Do I want to talk to or have any of them see me in a bathing suit or, God forbid, nude right now? Not a chance in fatty hell. Just joshing kiddos. Go ahead and keep rubbing the buddha belly and telling me that I look so 'cute' 25lbs heavier and know this: Now that we're all chumming around the same size, I will be stealing all you bitches clothing when I get back to my pre-pregnancy size. When, not if. So go ahead and start shopping. I look fab in blue, brown and fushia-esque pink.
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